Friendsgiving
“Friendsgiving is magical mayhem.”
Practice
Select a date with a few friends. Look for a date the weekend before Thanksgiving.
Provide a main dish. Ask guests to bring a side or dessert from their family tradition or culture.
Set up a simple buffet. Have clear places for food, drinks, and desserts.
Provide a few casual and kind details. Provide coloring pages for kids or a brief welcome for new friends.
Friendsgiving is an invitation to a shared meal and a shared sense of belonging. It is a way to enter the holidays with a sense of presence in the present, and a gracious opportunity to set down any heavy expectations of family past or ideal futures. For Alyssa and Andraé Alexander, it has become as much an expression of Thanksgiving as the day itself. Friendsgiving is a generous and gracious invitation to hospitality, food, and friendship.
For Alyssa and Andraé, Friendsgiving began with an idea of hosting a Thanksgiving meal while at a friend’s cabin the week before Thanksgiving. It allowed friends to gather before many of them traveled. That tradition lasted for several years, but as families grew and schedules changed, the practice evolved to an invitation to gather on the Sunday before Thanksgiving. From Alyssa’s perspective, "Hosting Friendsgiving before the holiday sets a tone for the season.” It offers a space to breathe and belong. She shares the truth that many people experience. “The holidays are fraught with tension for some people. Every holiday meal feels like you're holding your breath, waiting for “Uncle Bob” to say something uncouth, and then the whole thing devolves.” She continues, “We host Friendsgiving on a Sunday, there's football in the background. We're eating traditional foods, but there is no tension. People can relax and enjoy the day and each other.” For many, Friendsgiving might hold more of the meaning of Thanksgiving than Thanksgiving.
The practice of Friendsgiving is a gift to those who may not have somewhere to go on Thanksgiving Day itself. “Sharing food is deeply personal and universal,” Alyssa said, “To be left out of shared meals is felt on a cellular level.” Friendsgiving expands the circle of belonging. It is an invitation to a new tradition without the weight of old expectations. It is a ritual shaped by the unique people and place around you.
Alyssa’s experience has taught her a few helpful keys to hosting Friendsgiving. First, Friendsgiving is informal on purpose. Folding tables and paper plates are welcome. The point is presence, not perfection. Because of Andraé’s love of smoked meats and ease, they provide the meat. Friends are invited to bring side dishes or desserts that carry with them a memory from family traditions. Others choose to bring new recipes to express their culinary creativity. She encourages a little planning to create a place for everyone to relax. Arrange a buffet and name where things go: “Sides go on the bar, desserts on this counter, drinks by the coffee maker.” Keeping it casual helps people feel comfortable.
Alyssa acknowledges there is a vulnerability in inviting people into your home. “You never know what people are going to bring—what dish they're going to bring, and what emotional energy about the holiday they're going to bring.” There is courage required in any act of holiday hospitality. For Alyssa, the unknown is adventure, including how many people they can fit in their home. “The bigger it is, the more energy it holds. Friendsgiving is magical mayhem.”
Thank you to Alyssa Alexander for her conversation and contribution to this article. Thank you to Alyssa and Andraé for the way they extend creative expressions of holiday hospitality to their friends and neighbors through their home-based church Integrated Faith.
